work.

I'm coming to realize that there's so little I've actually put effort into achieving. So many things have been handed to me based on other circumstances and, I think, a whole lot of luck/divine intervention. If I hadn't gone to Binghamton for college, where the entire fellowship knew my older brother who had blazed some trails before I got there, who knows if I had gotten on eboard. I can't help but think that a lot of people have a higher opinion of me because they know what my brother has accomplished, and assume that it runs in our family. (I mean, it does but that's not really something you can safely assume about anyone.)

The only scholarships I received in college were because I'm female and I fit into some economic category that some people with too much money decided was necessary to give their money to. Also, it was randomly chosen. I didn't even apply or write some BS essay to plead with them for their money.

My cushy job complete with a union and benefits? Handed to me on a silver platter. They legit made up a new position just because they knew I was looking (read: "looking") for a job because I was taking a year off from school before going off to grad school. No application, no interview, no effort put in whatsoever.

Why did I decide to take a year off before going to grad school? Because I am a master of procrastination and avoidance. Grad school applications are a pain. Plus, I really didn't want to go ask my professors for letters of recommendation because I had no guidance in the process at all. Also, I couldn't figure out which ones to ask because I think some of them might hate me a little for only going to about 50% of their classes throughout a semester. By the way, I've never failed a class. I've gotten so many extensions, second-chances, special circumstances... You name it, I've gotten it.

I feel like there's nothing I've really struggled or fought for in my life and achieved. I've definitely struggled in my relationships with people and some of them have panned out, but others have fizzled. I'm okay with that. But all the stuff that goes on paper - jobs, achievements, education - handed to me. Silver platter and all.

People get frustrated with me because of this. They put so much effort into papers that I score either the same or only slightly lower than they do on. Which is completely unfair considering the difference in amounts of effort put into each paper. Teachers like me. I don't know why. I'm so inconsistent and unmotivated in classes.

All these things I don't deserve, but I get anyway. Is it gonna run out? Am I one day going to finally finally experience desolation and despair? When's it gonna happen? I think I'm afraid to apply to grad schools because I'm worried it'll be the point where my luck finally turns around. It's really not fair that I get so much that I don't deserve, but when I ask people their advice about it, they either tell me to shut up because they don't want to hear about my undeserved success, or they praise it because they think I'm just naturally good at everything. Both of these are very untrue. I mean, I wish the second one was true, but if you've ever seen my attempt at cardio, you'd probably want to run tests on me or something because my body reacts so negatively to it.

But seriously, is there something I could be doing with this? Is this some way that God provides for me so I can focus more on other things or other people in my life? I'm more led to believe that it's God's way of helping me along so I can give more of a focus to serving the people around me, but is that legit? Like is that a thing? Eh. I bet half the people I talk to will say yes and the other half will say no. Good thing I have the blogosphere to externally process and muse to, while simultaneously getting nowhere<3 p="">

299 days.

I think I should start blogging more again. I haven't recorded my life's happening's here is so long! There's so much to externally process through published blog, and such a backlog of material jamming up my brain.

For starters, today was one of those awful Mondays where the smallest things that go wrong make you jump immediately to some real downer-questions and thoughts that make you think the world is ending. Today, for example, I had to do this really mundane task at work involving stuffing newspaper clippings into plastic envelopes for preservation purposes. Over and over and over again. My feet hurt, my back hurts, my fingers hurt from being poked by the corners of the plastic envelopes, and, to top it all off, my hands were dry. Naturally, all of these facts added up lead me to question my plan to be a librarian for the rest of my life. How could I possibly enjoy a career that involves such menial tasks and lack of interaction? What good am I doing society by throwing some newspaper clippings that an actress collected in some overpriced plastic envelopes that two people per year are going to come in to see?* At which point I immediately decided that the only thing for me to do is to quit my job and move to some underdeveloped country and bring people to Jesus. Heck, maybe I'll even nab myself a husband while I'm there. Why not.

Clearly I need to get out more. Although I don't think quantity of time is the case here. Only recently did I even realize that "quality time" and "quantity time" are considered different in the world of Love Languages. It only made me realize that my standards for quality time are probably much lower than others. My standards: if I like you and we're spending time together, it counts. BUT, in my defense, I'm very particular about how I spend my time when other people are involved. To a fault, actually. I've gotten in trouble with friends many times, rightly so, because I've blown them off to do something with my time I felt would be more fun for me in the long run, and not taking into consideration their desire to spend time with me, or even their need for my time in helping them in some way. I'm a pretty selfish person. People will try to tell me I'm not because I go out of my way to do favors for people and I like to by "just-because" gifts when I think of it, but really, I'm a selfish person.

I value my time with others so highly that I make an idol of that time. I'm willing to put the expected overall advantageous-to-Mary measurement over anyone else's feelings, needs and expectations. I wish there was some way I could just change my behaviors, some switch I could flip so I could just stop being dumb. Yo, if that switch existed…

But anyway, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I don't even know what I hoped to accomplish by writing this post. I guess it'll encourage me to keep writing since the initiative step is always the hardest for me. Well, that and follow-through. Man, in that case, I guess just getting anything done is hard for me #thestruggle

See what happens when there's a paper-jam of unprocessed thoughts in my brain? This mess of a post.

Here's hoping for a Tuesday that's nothing like Monday!

And some ice cream, too. I think that'd really help.

*Her name is Tilly Losch and I've been working on her collection at Special Collections since I started working full time in the beginning of June. I'm really starting to hate her.