thoughts on identity.

Maybe I should just embrace my unusual dietary restrictions and be that weirdly over-healthy girl who eats unusually large amounts of meat.


#pinterest.

dreams.

It's been a weird summer. Nothing strange or goofy has occurred, it's just definitely not going the way I saw it going...which always happens when I think about it. I definitely didn't see myself driving back and forth upstate New York between a house we were about to sell and a house we were about to buy all of last summer, but stuff happens. This summer was supposed to be spent working 40 hours a week in good ol' Bartle, and sharing a room with my brother (which hasn't happened since we were in junior high at least, probably younger). Instead I've spent more time housesitting with Stan and Charley (our two adorable, yet ferocious, canines) on Long Island than I have in the greater Binghamton area.

At first I was thrilled (despite all the money I wouldn't be making in my time at home). I love being home, especially alone. I can make my own meals whenever I want to eat them, and the beach is 15 minutes away. It hasn't been all that enjoyable though. I end up feeling lonely in the house and as if I don't know what to do with myself for all of the time I spend at home. I have plenty of things to do - painting, reading, tv, movies, cleaning - but none of them seem right. I don't know what I should be doing. Most of the time I don't feel like doing anything - that's probably as a result of feeling lonely.

I've narrowed it down to my need for physical touch. My mom can attest, I'm always hugging or leaning or holding or massaging or just resting my hand on a shoulder. When there's no one around for me to leech energy off of, I spiral into a meaningless and unproductive period where I don't want to do anything, see anything, talk to anyone, etc., even if it would make me feel better.

But an interesting thing happened yesterday.

I'm back home (on Long Island) again for a couple weeks while my parents and Grace are off on another "adventure," and the loneliness set in early. Not even an hour after they left, I found myself grumpily watching tv and eating unmentionable amounts of "food" that can't even be classified as real food.

All I could think all night was, "I need a hug." That seems ridiculous to think about now. I want to laugh at myself for how stupid that sounds, but it's true. Physical touch is powerful to me. That's why I'm very touchy with people I'm close to, but get fairly uncomfortable when people I don't know well try to touch me.  It's also why I have a really difficult time turning to God in my times of need and I turn to people around me, instead. One of the hardest things for me to grasp in my relationship with God is that I can't physically touch Him, or be touched by Him. Sometimes I really just need a hug.

Last night I was hashing this out with God, and realized it's really eating away at me. This is a serious and real obstacle in my relationship. I went to sleep feeling incomplete, lonely and broken down by all of the imperfect and damaging relationships I hold with the people in my life, as I've looked to them to fill the void that only God can suffice.

When I woke up this morning, the only part of my dream(s) the night before that I could remember was getting a strong and lingering hug from an older man. He was probably in the image of a character from Breaking Bad (since I had watched a full season yesterday), but I knew that it was God's embrace. I could feel it, even though it was in my dreams. It was the most satisfying dream I've ever had, and I woke up knowing that it was Him. It was probably the coolest thing I've ever experienced.

My day wasn't much more productive than yesterday, and I still didn't know what to do with it most of the time, but I could finally feel that I wasn't alone.

heatwave 2012.

I went on that trip to Wildwood, NJ again with Youth for Christ. It was the most exhausting and rewarding week I have endured in such a long time. The whole week, I honestly was waiting for it to end, which was strange because I normally love it so much. Something about this week was just continuously dragging me down. And interacting with the kids and keeping an eye on them was super draining. It was weird that I felt this way. I'm normally the person who gains energy from spending time talking to the kids and having fun with them. I'm still not sure why I felt that way during the trip, but coming home has shed more perspective on it.

I realized that it was a humbling experience. I had been asking God to humble me, because I've been feeling a lot of pride in my life without knowing where it was coming from or how to get rid of it, so I gave it to God and trusted that He'd find some way to turn me around. Well, here it was.

I'm not Superwoman. It's funny to think that I thought I was at points in my life, but that's what happened. I usually take pride in the fact that I have seemingly boundless energy at times and don't need much of a night's sleep in order to function properly the next day. God made me realize that I was using that gift to garner respect and admiration from others instead of using it to glorify Him.

So, on this trip, when I'm usually full of energy and willing to do whatever's asked of me, I found myself running away from the kids at any opportunity. I hated it. I felt like I wasn't in control of my usual self and there was no way I could escape it because I had committed to spending this week with these kids. God made me value the gifts that He's given to me, even the ones I wouldn't even count as gifts. Who knew that my ability to function on little to no sleep would and could be used to glorify God? I didn't even realize how valuable this is when working with these kids and just being available to them.

Someone at Basileia said to be careful what you wish for when you're praying and asking God for something, because He WILL answer prayers.

Regardless of my exhaustion, here are some of my favorite pictures from the week, because, heck, I love these kids either way <3

 

an addendum to the previous myers-briggs post

I'm not a P just because I don't like to make plans. It's also because whenever I do make plans, they just about always fall through. I give up. There's not an ounce of willingness left within me to live a more structured life.

it's offical.

I'm an ENTP.

[Also, check the relationships page of that site for ENTP - the strengths and weaknesses are uncanny.]

A lot of people hear about Myers-Briggs and roll their eyes or look for the culprit who always brings it up in conversation. There are those who refuse to take the test, either because they don't want to be defined by a personality test or because they just don't feel like jumping on the "bandwagon." I really don't think it's a bandwagon, though. I think more than just our fellowship and a few people scattered here and there would have to be talking about this test in order for it to even have a bandwagon for people to jump on.

I really like the test, and I think it's important that people appreciate it for what it is. It's not a bunch of excuses for your behaviors and idiosyncrasies. "I can't help that I never want to hang out with you, I'm an introvert!" "Sorry, I didn't realize I hurt your feelings, I'm a T." "I can't help that I'm always late, I'm a P." None of these are valid. Myers-Briggs doesn't serve as a bucket of excuses from which you can pick out to toss at people when you mess up. The test is awesome because it identifies your strengths, what environments and circumstances you work best under, and it helps you realize how to best utilize your personality to thrive in any situation.

Besides that, it's just so cool to learn more about yourself. That's my favorite part. This test, and knowing what kind of personality I have, doesn't limit me; it enables me to fully explore and utilize the personality I have to successfully navigate school, relationships, work, projects and life in general. Go take it if you haven't already, and tell me what type you are!