Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
lean not on your own understanding.
In the past three weeks, I have used the phrases "I just don't understand" and "I need to understand" more than I have in my entire life.
Since elementary school and going through all those years of Sunday School in my home church, I've run across Proverbs 3:5-6 so many times. I've always known what an important couple of verses it is, but only for two reasons: 1) it's on everything: coffee mugs, key chains, a framed thing in my parents' bedroom, etc. and 2) I had to memorize it at least 3 times in Sunday School.
It wasn't until these past couple weeks, though, that I began to finally understand what these verses mean. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
I've mentioned before how God speaks to me through repetition. Well, Pastor Kyle's been talking about this verse in all of his sermons in the past month and it took until now to realize that it means something to me.
I'm a pretty rational and reasonable person. I accredit it to my empathy, since it allows me to easily put myself in another person's position and see their perspective on a situation or idea. This allows me to make decisions and take certain actions that'll be formatted to match other people's abilities to understand what I say or do, and make them more likely to agree with me and be on board with whatever I'm proposing.
The downside is that rejection hits me hard. I put so much effort into finding solutions to problems and looking for those solutions that make the most sense, that when someone rejects those proposals, it makes no sense to me. They're being unreasonable in their rejections, and even in their requests or suggestions.
I ask a lot of "why's" because I need to understand where the other person is coming from. What's making them take the route they're taking, and what will it take for me to convince them to do it a more reasonable way?
Two major situations have been especially exhausting me in this way. One of them is sort of resolved (not by my choice) and the other one is sort of laying stagnant right now (somewhat by my choice). They've exhausted me and left me broken and lonely. I feel the rejection and it hurts.
But even stronger than the hurtfulness of the rejection, is the total lack of understanding I have in why these people have chosen to reject me. I know that I need to find closure, but I feel like I can't attain it without first understanding, which is what's making these situations even more burdensome and painful.
God must want to smack me in the head all the time for how obvious He makes solutions to me and how oblivious I am to them. The past two times I've gone to church, Pastor Kyle has spoken almost directly to me in his sermons.
I've never had a problem trusting in God for my future. It's easy. I know that God redeems bad situations and any poor decisions I make so they turn around and glorify Him in the end. But it took me this long to realize that trusting in God with all my heart means trusting Him for the present, too.
It's easy for me to not care much about my grades because I know and trust that God'll use me no matter where I end up after college. But I find it hard to trust God in what's going on now.
I kind of want to smack myself in the head for not listening to God sooner. I always heard Him, but I never listened.
This break I have a lot of time to myself because I'm staying in Bing and working full-time. People keep saying they feel bad for me and that I'll be so lonely, and that may be true at some times, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm in this nice limbo where I'm in an environment without the distraction of friends and family, and I don't have schoolwork to worry about getting done every night.
This break is a break for me, and it'll be a time to refocus myself: putting my eyes on things above. I have to figure out what trusting God looks like, because I know it has to be better than what I'm doing now.
Since elementary school and going through all those years of Sunday School in my home church, I've run across Proverbs 3:5-6 so many times. I've always known what an important couple of verses it is, but only for two reasons: 1) it's on everything: coffee mugs, key chains, a framed thing in my parents' bedroom, etc. and 2) I had to memorize it at least 3 times in Sunday School.
It wasn't until these past couple weeks, though, that I began to finally understand what these verses mean. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
I've mentioned before how God speaks to me through repetition. Well, Pastor Kyle's been talking about this verse in all of his sermons in the past month and it took until now to realize that it means something to me.
I'm a pretty rational and reasonable person. I accredit it to my empathy, since it allows me to easily put myself in another person's position and see their perspective on a situation or idea. This allows me to make decisions and take certain actions that'll be formatted to match other people's abilities to understand what I say or do, and make them more likely to agree with me and be on board with whatever I'm proposing.
The downside is that rejection hits me hard. I put so much effort into finding solutions to problems and looking for those solutions that make the most sense, that when someone rejects those proposals, it makes no sense to me. They're being unreasonable in their rejections, and even in their requests or suggestions.
I ask a lot of "why's" because I need to understand where the other person is coming from. What's making them take the route they're taking, and what will it take for me to convince them to do it a more reasonable way?
Two major situations have been especially exhausting me in this way. One of them is sort of resolved (not by my choice) and the other one is sort of laying stagnant right now (somewhat by my choice). They've exhausted me and left me broken and lonely. I feel the rejection and it hurts.
But even stronger than the hurtfulness of the rejection, is the total lack of understanding I have in why these people have chosen to reject me. I know that I need to find closure, but I feel like I can't attain it without first understanding, which is what's making these situations even more burdensome and painful.
God must want to smack me in the head all the time for how obvious He makes solutions to me and how oblivious I am to them. The past two times I've gone to church, Pastor Kyle has spoken almost directly to me in his sermons.
I've never had a problem trusting in God for my future. It's easy. I know that God redeems bad situations and any poor decisions I make so they turn around and glorify Him in the end. But it took me this long to realize that trusting in God with all my heart means trusting Him for the present, too.
It's easy for me to not care much about my grades because I know and trust that God'll use me no matter where I end up after college. But I find it hard to trust God in what's going on now.
I kind of want to smack myself in the head for not listening to God sooner. I always heard Him, but I never listened.
This break I have a lot of time to myself because I'm staying in Bing and working full-time. People keep saying they feel bad for me and that I'll be so lonely, and that may be true at some times, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm in this nice limbo where I'm in an environment without the distraction of friends and family, and I don't have schoolwork to worry about getting done every night.
This break is a break for me, and it'll be a time to refocus myself: putting my eyes on things above. I have to figure out what trusting God looks like, because I know it has to be better than what I'm doing now.
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